"It's all relative." - Einstein

Monday, July 9, 2012

Emotionally Unavailable or Secretly Gay?

Know the type? The guy who can't commit. The guy who's "Emotionally Unavailable." The guy who sends mixed signals by actively pursuing you but then doesn't really seem interested (like other guys would be) by the questions (or lack there of) he's asking you during a conversation. It's not just you; he does it with all girls. He's talks a lot about himself. The guy who would rather hang out with his buddies than you. The guy who avoids arguments and problems and shuts down soon as the moment threatens to become emotionally charged. The guy who breaks up with you after a couple weeks for the most ridiculous reason and pretends like it never happened. Yeah. The guy who never seems to be upset, angry, or depressed over his break ups. The guy who doesn't compliment you or make you feel especially attractive in his presence. The guy who says that you're "dating" but you hardly ever see him because his weekends are already booked with paintball, hunting, and football. The guy who is HOT and then COLD. He isn't interested in going out with you tonight but when you mention "Jeff" will be there he perks up and decides maybe he can go after all. Yeah, those guys. You're strutting your stuff in your lingerie and he doesn't even notice because he's engrossed with polishing his paintball gun, running the cloth up & down the shaft. ;) Seen em? Dated one?

Emotionally unavailable? Most definitely. For awhile I just left it at that, but lately I've been thinking.... is there more to the story? Are these guys in fact, secretly gay?! **Just to be clear, I think being gay is awesome & I totally support gay rights!**

Now, every woman is (I hope) equipped with what's called Gaydar. For those of you who don't know, Gaydar =  The supposed ability to discern whether a person is homosexual. Now I don't know about you but this is how my Gaydar works. When I "scan" a guy, he's either 1 of 3 types: Type 1- Guy makes eye contact and smiles, asks questions and tries to get to know me, laughs at my jokes, focused on me, very obliging, actions are consistent if not predictable = the HEALTHY, STRAIGHT MALE. Type 2- guy makes brief eye contact, head slightly lowered when around me, quick responses, seems slightly scared to be talking to me, gets away from me A.S.A.P. = The MARRIED, STRAIGHT MALE. Type 3- guy makes eye contact & is polite, isn't overly friendly, doesn't ask questions or try to get to know me, listens to what I have to say but isn't especially interested, distracted and attention is focused elsewhere, doesn't seem to notice me or anything I'm doing = the GAY MALE. I've encountered many guys who I can just tell are in the closet gays, even if they're married to a woman, doesn't matter. They're gay and I know it. (Come out of the closet boys, be true to yourself!)  

But every now and then... a new "type" flashes up on the Gaydar. The mysterious TYPE 4 male who show signs of a Type 1 50% of the time and Type 3 the other 50%. That's right doctor, symptoms of straight AND gay! That hot and cold crap. So what gives? I mean, our Gaydar sure isn't flagging them because better believe we wouldn't be dating them in the first place if that were the case! Are they just really shy and lack game or is our Gaydar failing us!? 

So let's run with the idea that the Type 4 male is secretly gay. He would now fall into 1 of 2 sub categories: Part A- Guys who know they are gay but refuse to admit it to anyone. They date girls to hide the fact that they're gay (beards), because it's socially expected of them, etc. That would explain why they pursue you in the beginning and act interested in order to tell people you're his "girlfriend," but it never turns into anything genuine. And then Part B- Guys who are in denial even to them self. They have fantasies about other guys and can't understand why. They try to turn it off because they desperately want to believe they are straight. Type 4 Part B boys are the very confused.

Great example of a Type 4 Part B male is Patrick Warburton's character in the movie Ted! The guy has never had a steady relationship and breaks up with girls after only a few months for superficial reasons. (In the movie he says he broke it off with the last girl because she farted in front of him.) His character seems very confused the entire movie, goes out and gets drunk nightly, and ends up being gay with Ryan Reynolds. And there you have it.

So what's the real story behind the Type 4 male? Is he secretly in love with this best bud since high school? That would explain the 8th grade photo of him and his buddy in their swim trunks labeled "best summer ever" and why he isn't calling you, a super sexy momma, more frequently. Or is he truly straight with a mega guard up? Immediately rejecting any feelings that come up even if they are good feelings (he likes you "too much" and backs off because he's scared of getting hurt.) That would explain why when he gets drunk you see a whole new side to him that likes to compliment you like crazy. They say that your true colors come out when you're drunk, which I agree with. So if he acts into you when he's drunk, it's probably a huge sign that he is in fact straight. Which brings us to the Type 4 Part C Male - The emotionally unavailable straight male who acts secretly gay, but isn't. When will the Type 4 male stop being so hot and cold?! Mixed signals like this are always confusing. Type 4 males speak up or else risk us ladies mislabeling you as gay! Unless, of course, you're secretly into that. ;)

-Cursive L.


  1. I think they're ALL gay. Awesome post. Made me laught out loud at my office.

  2. Excellent post